Flabbergast
by Verboten Byacolate
Summary: All Deidara wants for his birthday is an exploding Tobi doll. What he gets is much, much more gruesome... [Happy birthday, Deibby!]


_Disclaimer_; Characters belong to Kishimoto. Except Kakuzu. He's mine. –SUED!-

**Flabbergast**

"Senpai!" came the annoying singsong-y voice of one orange masked cretin as he waltzed into the room. It wasn't the fact that the majority of the Akatsuki followed him into their room as well that piqued his interest; it was the shiny metal cart that Tobi rolled in front of him. An enormous, at least 8-tiered cake was stacked tall on top of it, decorated with flashy icing bird shapes, tacky orange swirls, pristine white sugar roses, and dotted occasionally with a dark red here and there that Deidara truly hoped was on account of an overzealous Tobi with red dye and frosting. "Happy birthday!"

"…"

Konan cleared her throat. "It's polite to give a word of thanks at times like these, Dei-san."

"… Hmm."

"Oh, it was nothing, senpai," Tobi said, practically exploding with joy. Yes. Joyous, exploding Tobi. "Kakuzu-san and Konan-san helped me! Kakuzu-san made the birds, and Konan-san made the flowers… but the orange was _my_ idea!"

"… Oh?" Deidara replied at Konan's look. Kisame chuckled.

"Itachi-san had a lot of fun with the fake blood you were eyeing. Isn't that right, Itachi-san?"

"It was… enjoyable," Itachi admitted, nodding slightly. Deidara blinked.

"You seem surprised, Deidara." Zetsu peered at him around Tobi's side. "_Did you not remember your own birthday?_"

"Not… not really, un," he said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "The days just kinda blur together… How the hell did you people know?"

Kisame chuckled, throwing his gaze at the dark lump at the back of the room. "Ask him."

Kakuzu looked up, rolling his eyes. "How would _I_ know why the little asshole knew? I'm not his mother."

"You're his partner," Zetsu said. "_Same difference_."

Deidara blinked again. "… Hidan knew?"

Kakuzu shrugged. "He must have heard it from Zetsu."

"Maybe," the plant man agreed. "He seems to have a good memory for that sort of thing."

"He's old," Kakuzu replied, folding his arms across his chest. "He makes himself remember, so as not to fall prey to the stereotypical elder image."

"… that sort of makes sense…" Deidara agreed. Tobi made a… giggling noise.

"Hidan-san sure goes to great lengths to stay young, doesn't he?"

Kisame laughed aloud and Konan gave a small, unladylike snort. Even Pein gave a tiny lip-twitch. Deidara felt lost. Where was Hidan, anyway? He wasn't presently in the room… in fact… he was the _only_ absentee.

"Oh, Deidara-senpai!" Tobi said, in a louder voice, capturing his attention. "You're going to _love_ your birthday present!"

The blond looked down, scratching the tip of his nose in a bashful gesture. "The cake really was enough, un."

"_This can't be undone_," Zetsu said from Tobi's side. It frightened Deidara to see his crooked smile. Zetsu just didn't smile. It was… otherworldly. The explosive expert inched back on his bed.

"Okay… so… can we get this done with, un?"

Kisame nodded, grinning wickedly. He opened his mouth wide, and Tobi jumped to his side. Together, in an off-tune duo, the two began a horrifying version of _Happy Birthday to You_.

They seemed surprised when nothing happened afterwards. Everyone else was in expectant silence as well. Two minutes past, and everybody's attention was focused on the two tall men, who were quickly shrinking in embarrassment. Kisame threw a quick, pleading look to Kakuzu, who snorted.

"You should've known," he said, his eyes shining with something akin to humor. The miser pushed himself from the wall with his elbows and stepped over to the cake. Deidara watched curiously when he stopped next to the overlarge pastry, purposefully rolling up his left sleeve, and nearly had a heart attack when the dark-skinned man shoved his hand deep inside the cake. The older man's eyes roved the ceiling as he moved his arm around inside

Deidara jumped from his bed with a small cry of surprise when a muffled, _"What the fuck!?" _was emitted from the dessert.

Kakuzu smirked, pulling his arm out. Then there was silence once more.

"… _Dammit! I missed the cue, didn't I?"_

"Yeah," Kakuzu replied, rolling his mask down and licking his fingers.

"_Fuck!"_

Tobi jumped forward, catching the top tier of the cake as it flew off. A pair of arms emerged, finding platform on the top of the cake and hefting the bare top half of a body above. Hidan grinned cheekily at a spasming Deidara. "Happy fucking birthday, Deidara-chan. Seriously."

_- Fin -_

**COMG!! HAPPY FLIPPING BIRTHDAY, _Deibby_!!! –licks-  
****Until I have confirmation from Kishimoto-sensei, I proclaim October 29****th**** Deidara's birthday. FOR CHEW, MAH LURVE!!****  
-Bya**

_- epilogue -_

Tobi clutched his feet on his bed, rocking back and forth on his bed and obviously grinning madly at his partner, who was staring at a piece of cake suspiciously.

"Hidan really does have a good body, doesn't he?"

Deidara twitched. Tobi beamed.

"I bet you couldn't tell that Tobi planned the whole thing!" the man grinned beneath his mask.

"I bet I could," Deidara muttered, hurling the pastry at Tobi's face.

- 0 -

"You fell asleep in the cake, didn't you?" Kakuzu asked as Hidan stretched out over his bed, hair still wet from his recent shower. The flaxen-haired man sneered, giving Kakuzu a good view of his middle finger. The taller man rolled his eyes. "Thought so, old man."

"Fuck you too, Kakuzu."


End file.
